Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Sometimes when I set out to teach or share on a certain subject I learn more than I teach. So i was last night. I was invited to share about my connection to Haiti and about Jacmel Bay. I asked God "What should I be talking about?". Honestly, given a platform I am not at a loss for words. My problem is narrowing down so I don't have too much material. I heard God say in my spirit "Talk about what you know." Where this led was to talk about the subject of being called. I shared about Gwenn first being called to Haiti and how unlikely it was. What occurred to me that a calling is totally different than a gift or a talent. In fact, a calling I think more likely is something one thinks they are totally unsuited for. For me once again it comes back to the story of Moses in Exodus 4. He augured with God that he really could not do the thing that God was calling him to do. He feel totally inadequate. And when in obedience he threw down his staff and saw the miracles follow he began at least a little bit to understand that this "calling" was as act of obedience and had nothing to do with talent or natural ability. When God called Gwen and Nick to Haiti it was not a 'reasonable' thing for them to do. Nick was a computer whiz and Gwenn then a stay at home mom was educated in Ag science and had written articles for NC Sweet Potato website. They were not prepared to live in a third world culture and raise a bunch of kids! Nor am I a business person. FAR from it! The great thing about it is that in knowing I am not adequate I can better trust a God who is "more than enough". In/ fact in knowing that I CAN'T do this makes me less likely to lean on my own abilities and personal strengths. Most people would say I am a good mother. Why? Because I have great kids. And because being a mother came easy to me. I enjoyed it, I was capable and confident most of the time. For my adult life I have believed that being a mother and now a grandmother was my 'calling'. Only now...like this week do I understand that that is not entirely true. Now I still think that is was/is the most important thing I have ever done and would not want it any other way. I now believe that by God's grace and hand I was fashioned by the circumstances in my life to be the mother/grandmother that I became. My mother's creativity and passionate involvement in my youth, the longing for a father and a stable home, caring for my nieces and nephews when I was not more than a child myself..all of these things made me well fit for my parenting role. So in a way I suppose I could take credit sometimes for the "well dones" that I have received along the road. I was involved with and available to my children. That is why I now feel that being a parent is not my "calling". My passion, yes. My joy, forever. My honor, always. My calling?? I don't think so. As all of this is just now unfolding to me I think I get it. The reason that I can't shake off this thing that I am so unsuited for.... God asked me "What's in your hand?" And as I in obedience release that which I hold so tightly (my fear and my inability) I am beginning to understand that this is my 'calling' and as I obey I will continue to see the miracles unfold. Like Moses I will look for the cloud by day and the fire by night for I know that I need to be led and I am not able to know the path or go the path on my own ability.